Peeling a Banana

If you're reading this now you've received the email I sent you. I haven't had much time to think about too much for the time being, but I think that I know one particular thing is true.

I am not in love with myself right now. I have made a decision that I still am not happy with. I feel that I have done stuff and made strides to put my own self in this situation I find myself in. While it may not really be a bad situation, I honestly can't see over the clouds right now. I don't love myself. So I seek validation that I am lovable. I think I also feel pain or resentment consistently throughout the day, and try very hard to not let other people in on this emotional track. You are the only person who knows the whole story. So I have allowed myself no other outlet except to direct my negative emotional range to you when we talk. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me. There are deeper and more meaningful explanations but I really can't process too much psychology for the moment.

I want to be with myself and to develop my mindset into something that I can love. I want to love myself and what I can do at some point soon. I want to learn something from this summer, and there is no way in hell that we can go through this enormous amount of pain without learning something about ourselves.

My conclusion is that I don't like myself right now. I don't like the way that I read too much to distract from thinking. I don't like being so lost in thought that a few of my closer coworkers have commented. I don't like the way my body physically reacts to my stress. I just... don't like ... many things happening with me.

I don't like me.

I know you love me. That is part of the reason why you're still reading this post. Read through the rest of the posts since your accident. Know that I love you and I promise to be in touch with you. At some point, this too shall pass.

Peter 4.8
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."