Not thankful for much today except this.

Yea it's too early to be abandoning the Thankful For... series. But I'm not thankful for much at the moment. I am so stressed out from discipline. Adam is not even 6 years old yet, and already I have to arrange him not so gently against the wall of his room and remind him with my voice raised and my arms on his shoulders that HE WILL LISTEN TO ME. And he suffers when he doesn't. He suffers from an exasperated mother who loses it quickly. He suffers from no stories at night, our daily and treasured ritual. He suffers from perfunctory showers. There is no win in this picture for either of us. No end in sight either, I feel. Today is only Monday. We've been going about this discipline hell hole since Thursday of last week, through the weekend, til today.

Inside, I'm glad that his father is taking him for a bit. Part of me feels like I've let a bit of the aggravation out on him because of this very fact. I'm not proud of this--nary an accomplishment can be prefaced by "I took it out on a child half my size." How will this play out in three months, two years, a decade? Will I be grey, aged twenty years, stressed to the point of breaking, unable to deduce a logical disciplinary scenario because I've used them ALL? Will my son hate me ? Will I feel the same reciprocally??

I'm not physically suffering from an ailment. But I may be suffering from something inside. I feel at an end of my patience constantly this week. I have not had one peaceful night with Adam. Perhaps it is of my own doing. I like to run constantly doing things in an efficient manner and trying to get double the things done in half the time. That's my personality, and perhaps it may come off as ADD, but I'm quite organized when I've got many tasks to overcome. Perhaps this logical deduction of time management is lost on a boy who's so little. What he does see is a mom rushing around, moving from place to place flitting as if there is a fire under her ass following her.  I may ignore his requests at times when we're out, because I've got to get this thing completed so we can move on to the next thing I gotta do. Perhaps this is the source of his adamant whining when he wants something, he has learned that he has to nag me until I snap out of my space and listen.

So I may have learned something just from deducing this on (virtual) paper. The lesson learned is I need to bring my perspective down to his size. I need to constantly be vigilant about how he sees my actions, what he will take away from it, how it can be calculated with his limited brain power at the moment. He knows only so much right now, and he will try to make sense of it all with the logic that a five year old has. Not mommy logic. Kiddeh logic.

Thankful for Legs and Knees

Day in and day out I remind myself that there are others less fortunate than I am. So I will start to write every day what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for having legs. Nice, tan ones at that. Runners legs, legs that have good muscle to fat ratio. Kneecaps that are small and will probably weather aging well. A slight crick in my left knee due to not covering up properly right after giving birth to my first son. A few bug bites that are remnant from a very wonderful trip to Mexico early in 2011 with my firstborn that was a complete surprise. Small ankles, that lead to feet that are a size 6.5. A footbed that is supportive, with a sturdy arch. Toe nails that I like to paint the latest shade of orange (2010 was a metallic neon orange, 2011 is muted neon Orange). A weirdly longer fourth toe on both feet that was part of the first bonding moment when my son was born - one look at his similarly bent and longer fourth toe solidified in my heart the newfound deep satisfaction of giving birth to this being that I created and is genetically similar to me.

Moving up, I am thankful for my legs that support the cradle of responsibility that is the definition of a woman. My legs support a wonderfully voluptuous gluteous maximus. My legs support the cup of life that has borne me one beautiful baby boy, that has driven me mad sometimes, that, like clockwork, reminds me the depths of emotion that we women experience, 12 times a year.

I am thankful.

Memory Lane

I went through my FB account today to conjure up some baby pictures of Adam that I had hidden somewhere. When I look at these photos I am brought back to a time in my life where I was most certainly happy, but happy with the fewer things I had in my life. I didn't have many ambitions or false hopes that my life was going to get a lot better but I was okay with that. And his baby smiles and cheeks and fat helped pad what should have been a terrible existence into an infinitely better one.

Last night I had dinner with a great college roommate of mine. During dinner we shared stories and had us several serious conversations about the things that have happened to us in life. Some of the things that have happened to me in my life, or the things that I've made happen in my life, have been great, while others have been because there was no other way. And boy I like to remember some of the dark alleys I've been through because I remember what I used to chase after and I look at myself now and think of how differently things have turned out. And I'm thankful for the friends who have spoken their piece to me when I needed to hear it whether I liked it or not at the time these pieces of advice made the difference.

I am thankful for a lot this year. I'm thankful that I've completed my financial plan for 2009, I'm thankful to have friends who I've had the wonderful chance to reconnect with (thanks Facebook!) and thankful for my wonderful sister and mother, without whose love and compassion I would not be here. I'm thankful for a relatively peaceful year with my ex-spouse. I hope we continue to be amicable. Lastly I'm grateful and thankful for my beautiful baby boy. Without him I would still be traveling down those dark alleyways, which surely by now would have engulfed me in its shadows.