Love letters

You've asked for space before and I don't know how to give it. I wasn't very good at it before. I realize that it was probably because I don't know what "giving space" to someone really means, and I also didn't look for another outlet to channel the energy normally channeled to you.

So that's where this blog and these posts as of late come in. I will be channeling my thought powers in written format, so that when you are healed, I will have recorded the history of my thoughts of you somewhere for you to read. I have tagged every post related to this time period as "Bananas" as an easy index. This is my labor of love, for you to know that you've been in my thoughts, and dreams, and the things that pass through my day that remind me of you are written here.

It is my hope that when you read these posts, you realize that I honestly thought about you probably the entire day in and out of it, and would have probably texted you or called you had we been under normal circumstances. Given the current circumstance, and your request that you just don't want to communicate, I dropped it. However, it is not my intention to alienate you or ignore you. I simply want to give you the proper healing space that you need. Like I said to you before, I only care that you are surrounded by people who love you and care for you, and I care that you get better quickly so you can have your life and children back. I do not want to stand in the way. Rather, my intentions are to make you stronger in ways that I can accomplish. And I thought visiting you and having a physical presence with you was going to achieve that, but alas, you have a slightly differing thought process, which I do disagree with (I am unfairly biased) again, whatever it takes honey.

Just get better.

Then read these and know that I've loved you all this time too, perhaps coming out of it with a strong sense of self to boot.

I'll take this time to build me up again. I've been focusing on us and you too much, and have lost sight of things that made me ME before. I pulled out my Pre to build a context of what ME was when we met, and I am pleased with how much we expressed to one another that we are talking no matter what is going on around us. I'm putting some plans in motion that I've been putting on hold for a while til things changed. Well I'll be the change. I'll make the change. It's time to reconsider.

Well I'm pooped. This is day 3 of fitful sleeping. I might be suffering sympathy pains!

I love you. So deeply. So real.

Me

Overcome

I have been wrong before. I can't promise I won't be wrong again. Can you love me past the painful memories of words that I want to take back? Overcome the damage...
Because I am overcome with desire to hold your face in my hands, like holding the world's most precious metal, and look deep into your clear brown eyes, and show you as much of my known soul as I can. I am overcome with emotion, with happy memories of wandering through crowded places with our fingers entwined, with love and endearment for your precious life.
How can it happen that we find each other...how is it that our universes collided...how have we overcome challenges that have been numerous...
However temporary, I am overcome with grief over the possibility that your life has changed because of this in some bad way. It may be this way. It may not. Whatever pain resides in your heart after the physical pain has subsided, you can share with me. Above all else I am your best friend and the shoulder you can cry upon, no question about it. You can lean on me anytime of the day and night. I mean it. Like I've said before you can count on me. I mean it.

Overcome with things and stuff,
Me

Things that fit

I am feeling awfully salacious today. Admittedly it is of my own doing, I've been having late night trysts with a certain mobile friendly sexytime website. I can't wait until I run my fingers through your hair again.
Until then, I'll eat lots of bananas...
Me

I'll Be.

Since the beginning of time in my head, I've liked this song. The first time I heard it must have been on the radio. The beginning strums of guitar just drew me in, and back then (as I am now) I'm a hopeless romantic. The words to this song always applied to an amorphous future being that I knew I would fall helplessly in love with, and in my teenage wisdom, I wished for there to be someone in the future where I would feel this for. I'm really really blessed to finally have him in my life.

"I'll be your crying shoulder, I'll be love's suicide. I'll be better when I'm older, I'll be the greatest fan of your life."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DacrpKkrYs

Every word honey, at some point in time, has crossed my mind with you. For some I apologize, and for some I thank you.

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.

I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You're my survival, you're my living proof.
My love is alive -- not dead.
Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

And I've dropped out, I've burned up, I've fought my way back from the dead.
I've tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said

I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your...
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

The greatest fan of your life.
...greatest fan of your life.


Bananas,
Me

Thinking of You.

I sit here thinking of the love of my life. He is in a lot of pain. I have promised that he will get however much space and time he needs through this time of healing. I felt that I couldn't really stop the flow of emotions and words that come out every day that normally were meant for him. So I searched for another outlet, read an old Gchat of ours, and here I am revisiting my old stomping grounds.

 I have such a deeply rooted belief that we had a beautiful beginning of our relationship. Things were easy and fun. I developed such a close and deep love for this man that I now draw upon that well of love for when I'm not able to physically feel the closeness that I long for.

Time will tell. Time will heal. Seasons ebb and flow, and my love will stay strong.

Bananas,
Me

Memory Lane

I went through my FB account today to conjure up some baby pictures of Adam that I had hidden somewhere. When I look at these photos I am brought back to a time in my life where I was most certainly happy, but happy with the fewer things I had in my life. I didn't have many ambitions or false hopes that my life was going to get a lot better but I was okay with that. And his baby smiles and cheeks and fat helped pad what should have been a terrible existence into an infinitely better one.

Last night I had dinner with a great college roommate of mine. During dinner we shared stories and had us several serious conversations about the things that have happened to us in life. Some of the things that have happened to me in my life, or the things that I've made happen in my life, have been great, while others have been because there was no other way. And boy I like to remember some of the dark alleys I've been through because I remember what I used to chase after and I look at myself now and think of how differently things have turned out. And I'm thankful for the friends who have spoken their piece to me when I needed to hear it whether I liked it or not at the time these pieces of advice made the difference.

I am thankful for a lot this year. I'm thankful that I've completed my financial plan for 2009, I'm thankful to have friends who I've had the wonderful chance to reconnect with (thanks Facebook!) and thankful for my wonderful sister and mother, without whose love and compassion I would not be here. I'm thankful for a relatively peaceful year with my ex-spouse. I hope we continue to be amicable. Lastly I'm grateful and thankful for my beautiful baby boy. Without him I would still be traveling down those dark alleyways, which surely by now would have engulfed me in its shadows.

Enter to start sign, fail!

The text in the green sign hanging above escalators in the 50th street C subway is very cryptic. So cryptic I want to ride this dirt train.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre