Will You Still Love Me...Tomorrow?

I sent Adam off to an extended vacation with his daddy yesterday.

I'll be patient and see how this goes.

My wish is Adam will not despair and knows that his Mommy loves him so very much while he is gone.

I give it one month tops until Adam returns to me.

Music that reminds me of...

This weekend my friend Rohin and I went through youtube and cobbled together a list of songs that remind us of high school and college. In no particular order, here's the list:

Renegade, Eminem
In Da Club, 50 cent
One Minute Man, Missy Elliot
I Just Wanna Love You, Jay Z

Nicotine Detox : Week 3

How did these weeks fly by? Every day felt like a milestone but now that I'm about to hit Week 4, I feel myself slipping back into relapse.

Rain hides these tiny tears

I can't get past the pain today.

Doing the right thing and doing what feels right are two totally separate playing fields.

Cindy's a free woman, what's her to do list?

As I write this, I am putting together a list of most of the things that I can accomplish without Adam by my side. Some of the things will require time and effort, some things are easy. Here goes.

1. Going to sleep whenever I want
2. Waking up whenever I want
3. Driving to work without making detours
4. Dressing only myself in the morning
5. Saving $756 on daycare every month
6. Put away $25K in savings
7. Eating a full meal without feeding someone else
8. watching a full tv show without interruption
9. Taking a shower without someone opening the door
10. Studying and taking the GRE or GMAT
11. Getting a masters (in what, i don't know yet)

Tuesday, 3/9
So reading this list the day after writing it is interesting. I am putting mostly day to day activities on here. And in here lies the rub. I should morph my outlook into a more long reaching one, and discontinue being very short sighted and impatient.

I had a heart to heart with my mom yesterday about how I felt about sending Adam to his dad's. I chose this route, and I should deal maturely with the consequences. I will have to eventually share Adam with his other parent, and while his daddy takes responsibility I can regain my life, as I wanted to do when I first chose to start this journey. And as a parent we love our children this is our life. But I should not let my parental selfishness bar Adam from enjoying time with his other parent. His daddy apparently makes him happy too and who am I to try and take that away from Adam?

Last night Adam slept without socks on. Throughout the night I would find his two feet wedged in my pillow, or between my knees, or under my arm. And here in lies my solace. No matter where he is, what he's doing, whether he's sleeping or awake, his toes will find their way back to me.

I can't hope that this is the right choice. I can only KNOW so, and wait and see what happens.

Nicotine Detox Day 6.5: Undiagnosed Turret's

Hmm. This nicotine gum says I’m supposed to “chew and park”. In actuality I am gnawing and then double parking and blocking traffic.

Good Symptoms logged as a result of detoxification:

• Hair smells delicious (Thank you MoroccanOil)
  
• Ran twice for the train without huffing
• Facial skin feels more supple
• Digestive tract responding well to lack of nicotine stimulant
• Coughing up scum less and less with each day

Bad Symptoms as a result of detoxification

• My humor is off (see above, first sentence of this post)
• I couldn’t sleep last night
• Eyes are fuzzy
• Cursing and outraged uncontrollably at times. Apparently I must have undiagnosed Turret’s that was controlled by nicotine.

Gum count: 30 pieces in 6 days. 5 pieces a day. exactly how many cigs I used to have per day.


I think it's time to transfer 20 dollars into my "vacation" money jar!!!

Nicotine Detox - Day 5 so far

Last cigarette - Thursday 2/18 @ 12:30 pm outside William's Restaurant on William and Pine.

I hated the smell of smoking and how it made me cough in the morning, so I quit.

I started smoking because at the time when I met my ex husband he was a heavy smoker and I had just started. The two of us together went through a pack every day, I was 5 and he was 15.

The reason I broke with the ex was cuz he was a bum and would drain money from me. Cigarettes do the same exact thing, when a pack costs $11 in NYC. At least the ex wasn't trying to kill me like cigarettes do.

Day 1-2 was a novelty. I touted to everyone who would listen that i was quitting smoking. it's so much cooler to tell people "i'm quitting" rather than "oh i started" and i got plenty of encouragement.

Day 3-4 happened to be the weekend. Every past weekend I was most occupied with figuring out ways to get out of the house so I could have that one cigarette. I would even go outside momma's house and recklessly have a few quick hard drags because I told myself "I would be a better person" the rest of the day because of it.

This weekend I realized how bad of a person I was every past weekend. Also didn't realize about 50% of my weekend was wrapped around spending time outside so I could smoke. It was a relief to wash all my winter jackets that used to smell like smoke and now smell like April Fresh Gain detergent. and feathers. cuz that's what happens to North Face jackets after a stint in the dryer.

Today is Day 5 and 6 since I quit mid day on Day 1. I want to chew my arm off. I have had 4 pieces of gum today, unwrapping the fifth as we speak. I wonder how many pieces of gum equate to the amount of nicotine in one American Spirit cigarette. Each gum has 2mg of Nicotine equivalent.

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