I feel weak today. Like the stem of a flower, the head so big and strong, but the stem's been blowing this way and that from the strong winds and the recent rain, and now all of that accumulated bending has caused the head to kind of droop.
My head is drooping. Tears are dropping like the rain. I wax poetic.
Tomorrow I'm sure it will be better. Whatever it is. Waking up to sun is good enough. Even waking up to the rain. The act of sleeping will surely wipe away that gross residue a bad day leaves behind.
But tonight, I feel weak. I really could use a hug, or a kiss, or a kind word. I'm not sure how many you have to give right now.Times like these i appreciate our communication, the one that I'm very eager to get back.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Not thankful for much today except this.
Yea it's too early to be abandoning the Thankful For... series. But I'm not thankful for much at the moment. I am so stressed out from discipline. Adam is not even 6 years old yet, and already I have to arrange him not so gently against the wall of his room and remind him with my voice raised and my arms on his shoulders that HE WILL LISTEN TO ME. And he suffers when he doesn't. He suffers from an exasperated mother who loses it quickly. He suffers from no stories at night, our daily and treasured ritual. He suffers from perfunctory showers. There is no win in this picture for either of us. No end in sight either, I feel. Today is only Monday. We've been going about this discipline hell hole since Thursday of last week, through the weekend, til today.
Inside, I'm glad that his father is taking him for a bit. Part of me feels like I've let a bit of the aggravation out on him because of this very fact. I'm not proud of this--nary an accomplishment can be prefaced by "I took it out on a child half my size." How will this play out in three months, two years, a decade? Will I be grey, aged twenty years, stressed to the point of breaking, unable to deduce a logical disciplinary scenario because I've used them ALL? Will my son hate me ? Will I feel the same reciprocally??
I'm not physically suffering from an ailment. But I may be suffering from something inside. I feel at an end of my patience constantly this week. I have not had one peaceful night with Adam. Perhaps it is of my own doing. I like to run constantly doing things in an efficient manner and trying to get double the things done in half the time. That's my personality, and perhaps it may come off as ADD, but I'm quite organized when I've got many tasks to overcome. Perhaps this logical deduction of time management is lost on a boy who's so little. What he does see is a mom rushing around, moving from place to place flitting as if there is a fire under her ass following her. I may ignore his requests at times when we're out, because I've got to get this thing completed so we can move on to the next thing I gotta do. Perhaps this is the source of his adamant whining when he wants something, he has learned that he has to nag me until I snap out of my space and listen.
So I may have learned something just from deducing this on (virtual) paper. The lesson learned is I need to bring my perspective down to his size. I need to constantly be vigilant about how he sees my actions, what he will take away from it, how it can be calculated with his limited brain power at the moment. He knows only so much right now, and he will try to make sense of it all with the logic that a five year old has. Not mommy logic. Kiddeh logic.
Inside, I'm glad that his father is taking him for a bit. Part of me feels like I've let a bit of the aggravation out on him because of this very fact. I'm not proud of this--nary an accomplishment can be prefaced by "I took it out on a child half my size." How will this play out in three months, two years, a decade? Will I be grey, aged twenty years, stressed to the point of breaking, unable to deduce a logical disciplinary scenario because I've used them ALL? Will my son hate me ? Will I feel the same reciprocally??
I'm not physically suffering from an ailment. But I may be suffering from something inside. I feel at an end of my patience constantly this week. I have not had one peaceful night with Adam. Perhaps it is of my own doing. I like to run constantly doing things in an efficient manner and trying to get double the things done in half the time. That's my personality, and perhaps it may come off as ADD, but I'm quite organized when I've got many tasks to overcome. Perhaps this logical deduction of time management is lost on a boy who's so little. What he does see is a mom rushing around, moving from place to place flitting as if there is a fire under her ass following her. I may ignore his requests at times when we're out, because I've got to get this thing completed so we can move on to the next thing I gotta do. Perhaps this is the source of his adamant whining when he wants something, he has learned that he has to nag me until I snap out of my space and listen.
So I may have learned something just from deducing this on (virtual) paper. The lesson learned is I need to bring my perspective down to his size. I need to constantly be vigilant about how he sees my actions, what he will take away from it, how it can be calculated with his limited brain power at the moment. He knows only so much right now, and he will try to make sense of it all with the logic that a five year old has. Not mommy logic. Kiddeh logic.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Found - a beautiful sunset.
Taken with my Palm Pre in February 2011.
One other person in this universe has this same exact picture.
Thankful for Legs and Knees
Day in and day out I remind myself that there are others less fortunate than I am. So I will start to write every day what I am thankful for.
I am thankful for having legs. Nice, tan ones at that. Runners legs, legs that have good muscle to fat ratio. Kneecaps that are small and will probably weather aging well. A slight crick in my left knee due to not covering up properly right after giving birth to my first son. A few bug bites that are remnant from a very wonderful trip to Mexico early in 2011 with my firstborn that was a complete surprise. Small ankles, that lead to feet that are a size 6.5. A footbed that is supportive, with a sturdy arch. Toe nails that I like to paint the latest shade of orange (2010 was a metallic neon orange, 2011 is muted neon Orange). A weirdly longer fourth toe on both feet that was part of the first bonding moment when my son was born - one look at his similarly bent and longer fourth toe solidified in my heart the newfound deep satisfaction of giving birth to this being that I created and is genetically similar to me.
Moving up, I am thankful for my legs that support the cradle of responsibility that is the definition of a woman. My legs support a wonderfully voluptuous gluteous maximus. My legs support the cup of life that has borne me one beautiful baby boy, that has driven me mad sometimes, that, like clockwork, reminds me the depths of emotion that we women experience, 12 times a year.
I am thankful.
I am thankful for having legs. Nice, tan ones at that. Runners legs, legs that have good muscle to fat ratio. Kneecaps that are small and will probably weather aging well. A slight crick in my left knee due to not covering up properly right after giving birth to my first son. A few bug bites that are remnant from a very wonderful trip to Mexico early in 2011 with my firstborn that was a complete surprise. Small ankles, that lead to feet that are a size 6.5. A footbed that is supportive, with a sturdy arch. Toe nails that I like to paint the latest shade of orange (2010 was a metallic neon orange, 2011 is muted neon Orange). A weirdly longer fourth toe on both feet that was part of the first bonding moment when my son was born - one look at his similarly bent and longer fourth toe solidified in my heart the newfound deep satisfaction of giving birth to this being that I created and is genetically similar to me.
Moving up, I am thankful for my legs that support the cradle of responsibility that is the definition of a woman. My legs support a wonderfully voluptuous gluteous maximus. My legs support the cup of life that has borne me one beautiful baby boy, that has driven me mad sometimes, that, like clockwork, reminds me the depths of emotion that we women experience, 12 times a year.
I am thankful.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Love letters
You've asked for space before and I don't know how to give it. I wasn't very good at it before. I realize that it was probably because I don't know what "giving space" to someone really means, and I also didn't look for another outlet to channel the energy normally channeled to you.
So that's where this blog and these posts as of late come in. I will be channeling my thought powers in written format, so that when you are healed, I will have recorded the history of my thoughts of you somewhere for you to read. I have tagged every post related to this time period as "Bananas" as an easy index. This is my labor of love, for you to know that you've been in my thoughts, and dreams, and the things that pass through my day that remind me of you are written here.
It is my hope that when you read these posts, you realize that I honestly thought about you probably the entire day in and out of it, and would have probably texted you or called you had we been under normal circumstances. Given the current circumstance, and your request that you just don't want to communicate, I dropped it. However, it is not my intention to alienate you or ignore you. I simply want to give you the proper healing space that you need. Like I said to you before, I only care that you are surrounded by people who love you and care for you, and I care that you get better quickly so you can have your life and children back. I do not want to stand in the way. Rather, my intentions are to make you stronger in ways that I can accomplish. And I thought visiting you and having a physical presence with you was going to achieve that, but alas, you have a slightly differing thought process, which I do disagree with (I am unfairly biased) again, whatever it takes honey.
Just get better.
Then read these and know that I've loved you all this time too, perhaps coming out of it with a strong sense of self to boot.
I'll take this time to build me up again. I've been focusing on us and you too much, and have lost sight of things that made me ME before. I pulled out my Pre to build a context of what ME was when we met, and I am pleased with how much we expressed to one another that we are talking no matter what is going on around us. I'm putting some plans in motion that I've been putting on hold for a while til things changed. Well I'll be the change. I'll make the change. It's time to reconsider.
Well I'm pooped. This is day 3 of fitful sleeping. I might be suffering sympathy pains!
I love you. So deeply. So real.
Me
So that's where this blog and these posts as of late come in. I will be channeling my thought powers in written format, so that when you are healed, I will have recorded the history of my thoughts of you somewhere for you to read. I have tagged every post related to this time period as "Bananas" as an easy index. This is my labor of love, for you to know that you've been in my thoughts, and dreams, and the things that pass through my day that remind me of you are written here.
It is my hope that when you read these posts, you realize that I honestly thought about you probably the entire day in and out of it, and would have probably texted you or called you had we been under normal circumstances. Given the current circumstance, and your request that you just don't want to communicate, I dropped it. However, it is not my intention to alienate you or ignore you. I simply want to give you the proper healing space that you need. Like I said to you before, I only care that you are surrounded by people who love you and care for you, and I care that you get better quickly so you can have your life and children back. I do not want to stand in the way. Rather, my intentions are to make you stronger in ways that I can accomplish. And I thought visiting you and having a physical presence with you was going to achieve that, but alas, you have a slightly differing thought process, which I do disagree with (I am unfairly biased) again, whatever it takes honey.
Just get better.
Then read these and know that I've loved you all this time too, perhaps coming out of it with a strong sense of self to boot.
I'll take this time to build me up again. I've been focusing on us and you too much, and have lost sight of things that made me ME before. I pulled out my Pre to build a context of what ME was when we met, and I am pleased with how much we expressed to one another that we are talking no matter what is going on around us. I'm putting some plans in motion that I've been putting on hold for a while til things changed. Well I'll be the change. I'll make the change. It's time to reconsider.
Well I'm pooped. This is day 3 of fitful sleeping. I might be suffering sympathy pains!
I love you. So deeply. So real.
Me
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Overcome
I have been wrong before. I can't promise I won't be wrong again. Can you love me past the painful memories of words that I want to take back? Overcome the damage...
Because I am overcome with desire to hold your face in my hands, like holding the world's most precious metal, and look deep into your clear brown eyes, and show you as much of my known soul as I can. I am overcome with emotion, with happy memories of wandering through crowded places with our fingers entwined, with love and endearment for your precious life.
How can it happen that we find each other...how is it that our universes collided...how have we overcome challenges that have been numerous...
However temporary, I am overcome with grief over the possibility that your life has changed because of this in some bad way. It may be this way. It may not. Whatever pain resides in your heart after the physical pain has subsided, you can share with me. Above all else I am your best friend and the shoulder you can cry upon, no question about it. You can lean on me anytime of the day and night. I mean it. Like I've said before you can count on me. I mean it.
Overcome with things and stuff,
Me
Because I am overcome with desire to hold your face in my hands, like holding the world's most precious metal, and look deep into your clear brown eyes, and show you as much of my known soul as I can. I am overcome with emotion, with happy memories of wandering through crowded places with our fingers entwined, with love and endearment for your precious life.
How can it happen that we find each other...how is it that our universes collided...how have we overcome challenges that have been numerous...
However temporary, I am overcome with grief over the possibility that your life has changed because of this in some bad way. It may be this way. It may not. Whatever pain resides in your heart after the physical pain has subsided, you can share with me. Above all else I am your best friend and the shoulder you can cry upon, no question about it. You can lean on me anytime of the day and night. I mean it. Like I've said before you can count on me. I mean it.
Overcome with things and stuff,
Me
Things that fit
I am feeling awfully salacious today. Admittedly it is of my own doing, I've been having late night trysts with a certain mobile friendly sexytime website. I can't wait until I run my fingers through your hair again.
Until then, I'll eat lots of bananas...
Me
Until then, I'll eat lots of bananas...
Me
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