My project =)

Very soon you will have in your hand a hand made card that I put some thought and effort into making. I thought about sending you a get well card when you first came out of the hospital, but I felt that you were in so much pain that it wouldn't make much of a difference, you needed medication above all else during that period.

Now that I hear life coming back into your voice, I think your next level of support is emotional support. This is where the idea for the card came in. I had been looking through my album of photos from our various travels on my macbook that night. I was also listening to my mom talk about how she likes to see physical photos instead of ones on the computer because the act of holding a photo is like holding the memory in your hand. So the idea formed in my head to make a hand made card with photos. But what photos, and what would be the theme? Still to come.

Love Letters 2

This past weekend I had the joy of experiencing one of life's great pleasures - watching two of your favorite people walk down the aisle together in holy matrimony. You were supposed to be attending this wedding with me. But alas it didn't work out that way. I missed you! There were a few times when I really wished we could have had a picture taken or have someone to kiss when I felt the flood of love engulfing my  heart.

I miss you my love.

Forever Young

I wanna be forever young! Man I love this song. The first time Adam went down to visit, a few months later I went to visit him, and this was the anthem of my trip down there. Blaring this whenever it came on when Adam and I were driving to places foreign to me. LOVE THIS SONG!

The lyrics ring true. I wanna be forever young. I'm painting you a portrait of young.

Let’s dance in style,
Let’s dance for a while,
Heaven can wait we’re only watching the skies
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst,
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?
Let us die young or let us live forever,
We don’t have the power but we never say never,
Sitting in a sandpit,
Life is a short trip,
The music’s for the sad man,

[Chorus]
Forever young,
I wanna be forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever and ever
Forever young I wanna be
Forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever, forever

[Jay-Z]
So we live a life like a video
When the sun is always out and you never get old
And the champagne’s always cold
And the music is always good
And the pretty girls just happen to stop by in the hood
And they hop their pretty ass up on the hood of dat pretty ass car
Without a wrinkle in today
Cuz there is no tomorrow
Just some picture perfect day
To last a whole lifetime
And it never ends
Cos all we have to do is hit rewind
So lets just stay in the moment, smoke some weed,
Drink some wine,
Reminisce talk some shit forever young is in your mind
Leave a mark that can’t erase neither space nor time
So when the director yells cut,
I’ll be fine,
I’m forever young...

[Chorus]

[Jay-Z]
Fear not when, fear not why,
Fear not much while were alive,
Life is for living not living up tight,
See ya somewhere up in the sky,
Fear not die, I'll be alive for a million years, bye bye,
So not for legends, I'm forever young
My name shall survive
Through the darkest blocks, over kitchen stoves,
Over Pyrex pots, my name shall be passed down to generations
While debating up in barber shops, young slung, hung here,
Shorty, the nigga from here
With a little ambition just what we can become here,
And as the father passed his story down to his sons ears,
Younger kid, younger every year, yeah
So if you love me baby this is how you let me know.
Don’t ever let me go, thats how you let me know, baby,

[Chorus]

[Jay-Z]
Slamming Bentley doors,
Hopping out of Porsche’s,
Popping up on Forbes lists,
Gorgeous,
Hold up,
Niggas thought I lost it,
They be talking bullshit
I be talking more shit
They nauseous,
Hold up,
I'll be here forever
You know, I'm on my fall shit,
And I ain’t waiting for closure, I will never forfeit,
Less than four bars,
Guru bring the chorus in,
Did you get the picture yet,
I’m painting you a portrait of young...

[Chorus]

Trying Time Out

Today we are trying the time out method. Adam had plenty of bad boy behaviors today and I tried as patiently as I could to resolve all the unsolved backwash of reasons behind the bad behaviors. I thought we were ok. And there was a great half an hour of storied conversation and we shared a peach over King of the Hill. I taught him many times during this sharing that he can't just stick his hand into the thing that is being shared when HE thinks it's his turn.

Then it comes time for bed. This is probably the worst time of the entire night for any parent, hands down, between the time he is born to the time that he goes to college. He doesn't understand the meaning of "no more tv" so I took the remote from his hand and he kept diving for it. Like KEPT. So. I raised my voice and then I told him he is misbehaving and therefore he's going into time out. Then i physically carried him upstairs and put him in time out. Every time I heard him groan i added another minute to it. We are now on our eighth minute. He's been saying I'm sorry from his room but I will not address it until the time out is up, and I've told him as much. It helps that he hears me clacking away at the keyboard.

Well it's time to deal with the boy.

I really need you right now

I feel weak today. Like the stem of a flower, the head so big and strong, but the stem's been blowing this way and that from the strong winds and the recent rain, and now all of that accumulated bending has caused the head to kind of droop.

My head is drooping. Tears are dropping like the rain. I wax poetic.

Tomorrow I'm sure it will be better. Whatever it is. Waking up to sun is good enough. Even waking up to the rain. The act of sleeping will surely wipe away that gross residue a bad day leaves behind.

But tonight, I feel weak. I really could use a hug, or a kiss, or a kind word. I'm not sure how many you have to give right now.Times like these i appreciate our communication, the one that I'm very eager to get back.

Not thankful for much today except this.

Yea it's too early to be abandoning the Thankful For... series. But I'm not thankful for much at the moment. I am so stressed out from discipline. Adam is not even 6 years old yet, and already I have to arrange him not so gently against the wall of his room and remind him with my voice raised and my arms on his shoulders that HE WILL LISTEN TO ME. And he suffers when he doesn't. He suffers from an exasperated mother who loses it quickly. He suffers from no stories at night, our daily and treasured ritual. He suffers from perfunctory showers. There is no win in this picture for either of us. No end in sight either, I feel. Today is only Monday. We've been going about this discipline hell hole since Thursday of last week, through the weekend, til today.

Inside, I'm glad that his father is taking him for a bit. Part of me feels like I've let a bit of the aggravation out on him because of this very fact. I'm not proud of this--nary an accomplishment can be prefaced by "I took it out on a child half my size." How will this play out in three months, two years, a decade? Will I be grey, aged twenty years, stressed to the point of breaking, unable to deduce a logical disciplinary scenario because I've used them ALL? Will my son hate me ? Will I feel the same reciprocally??

I'm not physically suffering from an ailment. But I may be suffering from something inside. I feel at an end of my patience constantly this week. I have not had one peaceful night with Adam. Perhaps it is of my own doing. I like to run constantly doing things in an efficient manner and trying to get double the things done in half the time. That's my personality, and perhaps it may come off as ADD, but I'm quite organized when I've got many tasks to overcome. Perhaps this logical deduction of time management is lost on a boy who's so little. What he does see is a mom rushing around, moving from place to place flitting as if there is a fire under her ass following her.  I may ignore his requests at times when we're out, because I've got to get this thing completed so we can move on to the next thing I gotta do. Perhaps this is the source of his adamant whining when he wants something, he has learned that he has to nag me until I snap out of my space and listen.

So I may have learned something just from deducing this on (virtual) paper. The lesson learned is I need to bring my perspective down to his size. I need to constantly be vigilant about how he sees my actions, what he will take away from it, how it can be calculated with his limited brain power at the moment. He knows only so much right now, and he will try to make sense of it all with the logic that a five year old has. Not mommy logic. Kiddeh logic.

Found - a beautiful sunset.

Taken with my Palm Pre in February 2011.

One other person in this universe has this same exact picture.