As I write this, I am putting together a list of most of the things that I can accomplish without Adam by my side. Some of the things will require time and effort, some things are easy. Here goes.
1. Going to sleep whenever I want
2. Waking up whenever I want
3. Driving to work without making detours
4. Dressing only myself in the morning
5. Saving $756 on daycare every month
6. Put away $25K in savings
7. Eating a full meal without feeding someone else
8. watching a full tv show without interruption
9. Taking a shower without someone opening the door
10. Studying and taking the GRE or GMAT
11. Getting a masters (in what, i don't know yet)
Tuesday, 3/9
So reading this list the day after writing it is interesting. I am putting mostly day to day activities on here. And in here lies the rub. I should morph my outlook into a more long reaching one, and discontinue being very short sighted and impatient.
I had a heart to heart with my mom yesterday about how I felt about sending Adam to his dad's. I chose this route, and I should deal maturely with the consequences. I will have to eventually share Adam with his other parent, and while his daddy takes responsibility I can regain my life, as I wanted to do when I first chose to start this journey. And as a parent we love our children this is our life. But I should not let my parental selfishness bar Adam from enjoying time with his other parent. His daddy apparently makes him happy too and who am I to try and take that away from Adam?
Last night Adam slept without socks on. Throughout the night I would find his two feet wedged in my pillow, or between my knees, or under my arm. And here in lies my solace. No matter where he is, what he's doing, whether he's sleeping or awake, his toes will find their way back to me.
I can't hope that this is the right choice. I can only KNOW so, and wait and see what happens.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Nicotine Detox Day 6.5: Undiagnosed Turret's
Hmm. This nicotine gum says I’m supposed to “chew and park”. In actuality I am gnawing and then double parking and blocking traffic.
Good Symptoms logged as a result of detoxification:
Bad Symptoms as a result of detoxification
Gum count: 30 pieces in 6 days. 5 pieces a day. exactly how many cigs I used to have per day.
I think it's time to transfer 20 dollars into my "vacation" money jar!!!
Good Symptoms logged as a result of detoxification:
- Hair smells delicious (Thank you MoroccanOil)
- Ran twice for the train without huffing
- Facial skin feels more supple
- Digestive tract responding well to lack of nicotine stimulant
- Coughing up scum less and less with each day
Bad Symptoms as a result of detoxification
- My humor is off (see above, first sentence of this post)
- I couldn’t sleep last night
- Eyes are fuzzy
- Cursing and outraged uncontrollably at times. Apparently I must have undiagnosed Turret’s that was controlled by nicotine.
Gum count: 30 pieces in 6 days. 5 pieces a day. exactly how many cigs I used to have per day.
I think it's time to transfer 20 dollars into my "vacation" money jar!!!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Nicotine Detox - Day 5 so far
Last cigarette - Thursday 2/18 @ 12:30 pm outside William's Restaurant on William and Pine.
I hated the smell of smoking and how it made me cough in the morning, so I quit.
I started smoking because at the time when I met my ex husband he was a heavy smoker and I had just started. The two of us together went through a pack every day, I was 5 and he was 15.
The reason I broke with the ex was cuz he was a bum and would drain money from me. Cigarettes do the same exact thing, when a pack costs $11 in NYC. At least the ex wasn't trying to kill me like cigarettes do.
Day 1-2 was a novelty. I touted to everyone who would listen that i was quitting smoking. it's so much cooler to tell people "i'm quitting" rather than "oh i started" and i got plenty of encouragement.
Day 3-4 happened to be the weekend. Every past weekend I was most occupied with figuring out ways to get out of the house so I could have that one cigarette. I would even go outside momma's house and recklessly have a few quick hard drags because I told myself "I would be a better person" the rest of the day because of it.
This weekend I realized how bad of a person I was every past weekend. Also didn't realize about 50% of my weekend was wrapped around spending time outside so I could smoke. It was a relief to wash all my winter jackets that used to smell like smoke and now smell like April Fresh Gain detergent. and feathers. cuz that's what happens to North Face jackets after a stint in the dryer.
Today is Day 5 and 6 since I quit mid day on Day 1. I want to chew my arm off. I have had 4 pieces of gum today, unwrapping the fifth as we speak. I wonder how many pieces of gum equate to the amount of nicotine in one American Spirit cigarette. Each gum has 2mg of Nicotine equivalent.
push push push
I hated the smell of smoking and how it made me cough in the morning, so I quit.
I started smoking because at the time when I met my ex husband he was a heavy smoker and I had just started. The two of us together went through a pack every day, I was 5 and he was 15.
The reason I broke with the ex was cuz he was a bum and would drain money from me. Cigarettes do the same exact thing, when a pack costs $11 in NYC. At least the ex wasn't trying to kill me like cigarettes do.
Day 1-2 was a novelty. I touted to everyone who would listen that i was quitting smoking. it's so much cooler to tell people "i'm quitting" rather than "oh i started" and i got plenty of encouragement.
Day 3-4 happened to be the weekend. Every past weekend I was most occupied with figuring out ways to get out of the house so I could have that one cigarette. I would even go outside momma's house and recklessly have a few quick hard drags because I told myself "I would be a better person" the rest of the day because of it.
This weekend I realized how bad of a person I was every past weekend. Also didn't realize about 50% of my weekend was wrapped around spending time outside so I could smoke. It was a relief to wash all my winter jackets that used to smell like smoke and now smell like April Fresh Gain detergent. and feathers. cuz that's what happens to North Face jackets after a stint in the dryer.
Today is Day 5 and 6 since I quit mid day on Day 1. I want to chew my arm off. I have had 4 pieces of gum today, unwrapping the fifth as we speak. I wonder how many pieces of gum equate to the amount of nicotine in one American Spirit cigarette. Each gum has 2mg of Nicotine equivalent.
push push push
Monday, February 22, 2010
...And they lived happily....
Follow up to my post on the gentleman who loved someone else.
And just when I felt like I had closed that door that was open, the gentleman shows up with a book that I had lent to him with the intent of returning it. Eyes were puffy, nose was red, smile lines had faded. Let's take a walk, I said as I motioned to the revolving door of which I felt my emotions were spinning through.
Two hours of discussion later, I was perplexed where my emotions lay. Did I want to go down this road? My mind was fiercely intolerant to being taken for a lover's fool. My heart though was deeply rooted in the belief that this man was true, honest, and that his words were pouring from the heart pinned to his immaculate sleeve cuffs.
To him I said there are two types of closure, one type is when you seek it because of her, and the other one is because you're aware that there is better love out there. I won't be your rebound girl during the time when you are undecided. But my feelings for you haven't changed.
Days later I let him in again. With renewed zeal and effort he enters with open arms. But I will be careful to evaluate his choice for the sake of both our beating hearts.
And just when I felt like I had closed that door that was open, the gentleman shows up with a book that I had lent to him with the intent of returning it. Eyes were puffy, nose was red, smile lines had faded. Let's take a walk, I said as I motioned to the revolving door of which I felt my emotions were spinning through.
Two hours of discussion later, I was perplexed where my emotions lay. Did I want to go down this road? My mind was fiercely intolerant to being taken for a lover's fool. My heart though was deeply rooted in the belief that this man was true, honest, and that his words were pouring from the heart pinned to his immaculate sleeve cuffs.
To him I said there are two types of closure, one type is when you seek it because of her, and the other one is because you're aware that there is better love out there. I won't be your rebound girl during the time when you are undecided. But my feelings for you haven't changed.
Days later I let him in again. With renewed zeal and effort he enters with open arms. But I will be careful to evaluate his choice for the sake of both our beating hearts.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Trail of Fire
When I leave this earth
There shall be a cloud of smoke
Behind me
If I go to hell
for the sins I've committed
Well
That wouldn't change the place where I'm buried
Dedicated to Ms. Post
There shall be a cloud of smoke
Behind me
If I go to hell
for the sins I've committed
Well
That wouldn't change the place where I'm buried
Dedicated to Ms. Post
Once Upon A Time I Knew A Gentleman...
Once upon a time I was dating someone who was a true gentleman. He would hold my hand down the stairs, he would blow me kisses from the cab after dropping me off at the train station, he would answer my calls. Midwest breeding. Tall. Strong hands. Excellent kisser.
This gentleman was great with my son. Though I am slightly overprotective of him, Adam needs some male influence in his life and also needs someone to throw all 45 pounds of him around at the playground. This gentleman was strong enough to carry him and handle him with care and curiousity.
Once upon a time I bought him a card that said "I thought I knew Happy and then I found you...Cupid is definitely going to get a gift basket this year! Happy Valentine's Day, Baby". Corporate cute, definitely suitable for the industries that we both worked in.
And then shortly before Valentine's Day, this gentleman called me and said he was still in love with a girl from his past. I must follow my heart and run with this, he said to me, through what sounded like a sincere knot in his throat.
Once upon a time I knew a gentleman.
_____________________
I returned the card to Hallmark this morning, 2 days before Valentine's day and for the reason on the receipt I put "break up" and the register lady asked me if I would like her to call this jackass. I said no, he was a good one anyway.
This gentleman was great with my son. Though I am slightly overprotective of him, Adam needs some male influence in his life and also needs someone to throw all 45 pounds of him around at the playground. This gentleman was strong enough to carry him and handle him with care and curiousity.
Once upon a time I bought him a card that said "I thought I knew Happy and then I found you...Cupid is definitely going to get a gift basket this year! Happy Valentine's Day, Baby". Corporate cute, definitely suitable for the industries that we both worked in.
And then shortly before Valentine's Day, this gentleman called me and said he was still in love with a girl from his past. I must follow my heart and run with this, he said to me, through what sounded like a sincere knot in his throat.
Once upon a time I knew a gentleman.
_____________________
I returned the card to Hallmark this morning, 2 days before Valentine's day and for the reason on the receipt I put "break up" and the register lady asked me if I would like her to call this jackass. I said no, he was a good one anyway.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Recipe: Porcini Short Ribs and Basil Infused Mashed Potatoes
Porcini Short Ribs
4 bone in beef short ribs about 2-3 in thick
1 Carrot Chopped in ½ in pieces
1 Bag Porcini Mushrooms, rehydrated and chopped
1 can beef broth / stock
Olive oil
1 cups boiling water
4 cloves of garlic, minced
1 small yellow onion, diced
1 long box of white mushrooms, sliced
1 beet, sliced
Salt
Pepper
1) Boil water and add to mushrooms to rehydrate, reserve liquid
2) Salt and Pepper the short ribs liberally
3) In a large dutch oven or soup pot, add some olive oil and brown the ribs on all sides (about 3-5 min per side)
4) Add the garlic and onions, cook til translucent, add some salt and pepper
5) Add the carrots, beets and mushrooms and let cook for 3-4 minutes, add some salt and pepper
6) Add the beef broth and mushroom water and bring to a boil
7) Let boil for 3 minutes then bring back to a simmer and season to taste.
8) Add the ribs back in and simmer on low for about an hour or so. You might need to add some more broth if the sauce gets too thick
9) Once done, remove the ribs again, try and spoon off some of the rendered oil and bring the sauce to a boil and let reduce til a nice consistency.
10) Mix some potato starch and hot water together in a bowl, drizzle into the sauce to make it thick. Bring back up to a simmer.
11) At this point the bones should be falling off the short ribs. Remove all the bones and tear apart the short rib meat until they're bite sized.
11) Add the rib meat back in and serve.
Basil Infused Mashed Potatoes
8 medium sized Red potatoes
2 tbsp butter
Handful of fresh basil leaves, slivered
1/2 cup milk
Salt
Pepper
1) Peel potatoes, cut into cubes, boil for 20 minutes
2) In separate pot, melt butter and throw in basil leaves and let it bubble for about a minute. Don't overcook!
3) Drain potatoes and in the same pot, drizzle the melted basil butter onto boiled potatoes. Add salt and pepper. Add milk.
4) Mash away.
To Serve:
Put a huge dollop of Mash in a plate, ladle on the Porcini Short Ribs, and dig in.
4 bone in beef short ribs about 2-3 in thick
1 Carrot Chopped in ½ in pieces
1 Bag Porcini Mushrooms, rehydrated and chopped
1 can beef broth / stock
Olive oil
1 cups boiling water
4 cloves of garlic, minced
1 small yellow onion, diced
1 long box of white mushrooms, sliced
1 beet, sliced
Salt
Pepper
1) Boil water and add to mushrooms to rehydrate, reserve liquid
2) Salt and Pepper the short ribs liberally
3) In a large dutch oven or soup pot, add some olive oil and brown the ribs on all sides (about 3-5 min per side)
4) Add the garlic and onions, cook til translucent, add some salt and pepper
5) Add the carrots, beets and mushrooms and let cook for 3-4 minutes, add some salt and pepper
6) Add the beef broth and mushroom water and bring to a boil
7) Let boil for 3 minutes then bring back to a simmer and season to taste.
8) Add the ribs back in and simmer on low for about an hour or so. You might need to add some more broth if the sauce gets too thick
9) Once done, remove the ribs again, try and spoon off some of the rendered oil and bring the sauce to a boil and let reduce til a nice consistency.
10) Mix some potato starch and hot water together in a bowl, drizzle into the sauce to make it thick. Bring back up to a simmer.
11) At this point the bones should be falling off the short ribs. Remove all the bones and tear apart the short rib meat until they're bite sized.
11) Add the rib meat back in and serve.
Basil Infused Mashed Potatoes
8 medium sized Red potatoes
2 tbsp butter
Handful of fresh basil leaves, slivered
1/2 cup milk
Salt
Pepper
1) Peel potatoes, cut into cubes, boil for 20 minutes
2) In separate pot, melt butter and throw in basil leaves and let it bubble for about a minute. Don't overcook!
3) Drain potatoes and in the same pot, drizzle the melted basil butter onto boiled potatoes. Add salt and pepper. Add milk.
4) Mash away.
To Serve:
Put a huge dollop of Mash in a plate, ladle on the Porcini Short Ribs, and dig in.
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