Peeling a Banana

If you're reading this now you've received the email I sent you. I haven't had much time to think about too much for the time being, but I think that I know one particular thing is true.

I am not in love with myself right now. I have made a decision that I still am not happy with. I feel that I have done stuff and made strides to put my own self in this situation I find myself in. While it may not really be a bad situation, I honestly can't see over the clouds right now. I don't love myself. So I seek validation that I am lovable. I think I also feel pain or resentment consistently throughout the day, and try very hard to not let other people in on this emotional track. You are the only person who knows the whole story. So I have allowed myself no other outlet except to direct my negative emotional range to you when we talk. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me. There are deeper and more meaningful explanations but I really can't process too much psychology for the moment.

I want to be with myself and to develop my mindset into something that I can love. I want to love myself and what I can do at some point soon. I want to learn something from this summer, and there is no way in hell that we can go through this enormous amount of pain without learning something about ourselves.

My conclusion is that I don't like myself right now. I don't like the way that I read too much to distract from thinking. I don't like being so lost in thought that a few of my closer coworkers have commented. I don't like the way my body physically reacts to my stress. I just... don't like ... many things happening with me.

I don't like me.

I know you love me. That is part of the reason why you're still reading this post. Read through the rest of the posts since your accident. Know that I love you and I promise to be in touch with you. At some point, this too shall pass.

Peter 4.8
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

Part of Me: Music

Music has always played a big part in my life. From when I was little, I used to play music - flute and classical piano. Growing up in a traditional household, music was always what I used to see beyond the little world I lived in. My first CD was Ace of Base, purchased for $1 from a garage sale. My first real CD was purchased at PC Richards, and it was Alanis Morissette. My first date was to the Source Mall, to buy the J.Lo CD "waiting for tonight". My first relationship centered around buying as many emo rock CDs as I could afford (BareNaked Ladies, Goo Goo Dolls, Third Eye Blind, Eve 6, Edwin McCain, etc) I used to have one friend from Chinese school who would give me her old CDs to listen to, the first one I asked for was Boyz II Men. My first break up was over "Water Runs Dry" by Boyz II Men.

So it is fitting that one of the few things I wanted to accomplish this year was to listen to music live. That comes in the form of intimate stage settings, dim lighting, or arena concert style, or straight up festival style. Since February I've been trying to find Mommy-duty-free time to attend at least one of each category. It hasn't worked out in the past few times that I've been Mommy-duty-free but I can't express how glad I am to have had the opportunity to watch U2 live. It was a friggin awesome show, such an amazing performer to see for my first stadium arena concert. I tried to catch Edwin McCain at his show that same week in Bayshore, Long Island, since he's touring now, but that didn't work out. And now, with my ticket that I bought a few months ago to Lollapalooza - one that I anticipated having to sell because I wasn't sure about whether I should go or not - I will have completed two of the three categories under "Music" that I wanted to accomplish this year. The original plan was to bring Adam with me to Lolla, because they have a Kidsapalooza stage where bands come and go and perform kid-friendly songs. But that would have probably made "kids music" the center of attention for that weekend, which I guess wouldn't have been a bad thing at all, but given the chance, I'd rather attend the adults version of the festival. So many headliners in so little time. I will have to rely on the experience of my festival-going friends to show me how to best maximize the time and concurrent show schedules. I would have loved to share this experience with you. You'll definitely be on my mind when I go!

Boy does it make me proud to accomplish this!!! I wish I could share it with you!

Addedum to this post is the breakdown of what I did want to do this year. There were two things I wanted to accomplish this year - Impulsive traveling, and Listening to Live Music.
Impulsive traveling: Domestic, and International
Accomplished: International - Mexico, February 2011

Listen to Live Music: Intimate setting, Arena setting, Festival setting
Accomplished: Arena Setting - U2, July 20 2011. Soon - Festival Setting - Lollapalooza, August 5-7 2011.

Conversion Rate: 60% !!!!!!!

My project =)

Very soon you will have in your hand a hand made card that I put some thought and effort into making. I thought about sending you a get well card when you first came out of the hospital, but I felt that you were in so much pain that it wouldn't make much of a difference, you needed medication above all else during that period.

Now that I hear life coming back into your voice, I think your next level of support is emotional support. This is where the idea for the card came in. I had been looking through my album of photos from our various travels on my macbook that night. I was also listening to my mom talk about how she likes to see physical photos instead of ones on the computer because the act of holding a photo is like holding the memory in your hand. So the idea formed in my head to make a hand made card with photos. But what photos, and what would be the theme? Still to come.

Love Letters 2

This past weekend I had the joy of experiencing one of life's great pleasures - watching two of your favorite people walk down the aisle together in holy matrimony. You were supposed to be attending this wedding with me. But alas it didn't work out that way. I missed you! There were a few times when I really wished we could have had a picture taken or have someone to kiss when I felt the flood of love engulfing my  heart.

I miss you my love.

Forever Young

I wanna be forever young! Man I love this song. The first time Adam went down to visit, a few months later I went to visit him, and this was the anthem of my trip down there. Blaring this whenever it came on when Adam and I were driving to places foreign to me. LOVE THIS SONG!

The lyrics ring true. I wanna be forever young. I'm painting you a portrait of young.

Let’s dance in style,
Let’s dance for a while,
Heaven can wait we’re only watching the skies
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst,
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?
Let us die young or let us live forever,
We don’t have the power but we never say never,
Sitting in a sandpit,
Life is a short trip,
The music’s for the sad man,

[Chorus]
Forever young,
I wanna be forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever and ever
Forever young I wanna be
Forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever, forever

[Jay-Z]
So we live a life like a video
When the sun is always out and you never get old
And the champagne’s always cold
And the music is always good
And the pretty girls just happen to stop by in the hood
And they hop their pretty ass up on the hood of dat pretty ass car
Without a wrinkle in today
Cuz there is no tomorrow
Just some picture perfect day
To last a whole lifetime
And it never ends
Cos all we have to do is hit rewind
So lets just stay in the moment, smoke some weed,
Drink some wine,
Reminisce talk some shit forever young is in your mind
Leave a mark that can’t erase neither space nor time
So when the director yells cut,
I’ll be fine,
I’m forever young...

[Chorus]

[Jay-Z]
Fear not when, fear not why,
Fear not much while were alive,
Life is for living not living up tight,
See ya somewhere up in the sky,
Fear not die, I'll be alive for a million years, bye bye,
So not for legends, I'm forever young
My name shall survive
Through the darkest blocks, over kitchen stoves,
Over Pyrex pots, my name shall be passed down to generations
While debating up in barber shops, young slung, hung here,
Shorty, the nigga from here
With a little ambition just what we can become here,
And as the father passed his story down to his sons ears,
Younger kid, younger every year, yeah
So if you love me baby this is how you let me know.
Don’t ever let me go, thats how you let me know, baby,

[Chorus]

[Jay-Z]
Slamming Bentley doors,
Hopping out of Porsche’s,
Popping up on Forbes lists,
Gorgeous,
Hold up,
Niggas thought I lost it,
They be talking bullshit
I be talking more shit
They nauseous,
Hold up,
I'll be here forever
You know, I'm on my fall shit,
And I ain’t waiting for closure, I will never forfeit,
Less than four bars,
Guru bring the chorus in,
Did you get the picture yet,
I’m painting you a portrait of young...

[Chorus]

Trying Time Out

Today we are trying the time out method. Adam had plenty of bad boy behaviors today and I tried as patiently as I could to resolve all the unsolved backwash of reasons behind the bad behaviors. I thought we were ok. And there was a great half an hour of storied conversation and we shared a peach over King of the Hill. I taught him many times during this sharing that he can't just stick his hand into the thing that is being shared when HE thinks it's his turn.

Then it comes time for bed. This is probably the worst time of the entire night for any parent, hands down, between the time he is born to the time that he goes to college. He doesn't understand the meaning of "no more tv" so I took the remote from his hand and he kept diving for it. Like KEPT. So. I raised my voice and then I told him he is misbehaving and therefore he's going into time out. Then i physically carried him upstairs and put him in time out. Every time I heard him groan i added another minute to it. We are now on our eighth minute. He's been saying I'm sorry from his room but I will not address it until the time out is up, and I've told him as much. It helps that he hears me clacking away at the keyboard.

Well it's time to deal with the boy.

I really need you right now

I feel weak today. Like the stem of a flower, the head so big and strong, but the stem's been blowing this way and that from the strong winds and the recent rain, and now all of that accumulated bending has caused the head to kind of droop.

My head is drooping. Tears are dropping like the rain. I wax poetic.

Tomorrow I'm sure it will be better. Whatever it is. Waking up to sun is good enough. Even waking up to the rain. The act of sleeping will surely wipe away that gross residue a bad day leaves behind.

But tonight, I feel weak. I really could use a hug, or a kiss, or a kind word. I'm not sure how many you have to give right now.Times like these i appreciate our communication, the one that I'm very eager to get back.

Not thankful for much today except this.

Yea it's too early to be abandoning the Thankful For... series. But I'm not thankful for much at the moment. I am so stressed out from discipline. Adam is not even 6 years old yet, and already I have to arrange him not so gently against the wall of his room and remind him with my voice raised and my arms on his shoulders that HE WILL LISTEN TO ME. And he suffers when he doesn't. He suffers from an exasperated mother who loses it quickly. He suffers from no stories at night, our daily and treasured ritual. He suffers from perfunctory showers. There is no win in this picture for either of us. No end in sight either, I feel. Today is only Monday. We've been going about this discipline hell hole since Thursday of last week, through the weekend, til today.

Inside, I'm glad that his father is taking him for a bit. Part of me feels like I've let a bit of the aggravation out on him because of this very fact. I'm not proud of this--nary an accomplishment can be prefaced by "I took it out on a child half my size." How will this play out in three months, two years, a decade? Will I be grey, aged twenty years, stressed to the point of breaking, unable to deduce a logical disciplinary scenario because I've used them ALL? Will my son hate me ? Will I feel the same reciprocally??

I'm not physically suffering from an ailment. But I may be suffering from something inside. I feel at an end of my patience constantly this week. I have not had one peaceful night with Adam. Perhaps it is of my own doing. I like to run constantly doing things in an efficient manner and trying to get double the things done in half the time. That's my personality, and perhaps it may come off as ADD, but I'm quite organized when I've got many tasks to overcome. Perhaps this logical deduction of time management is lost on a boy who's so little. What he does see is a mom rushing around, moving from place to place flitting as if there is a fire under her ass following her.  I may ignore his requests at times when we're out, because I've got to get this thing completed so we can move on to the next thing I gotta do. Perhaps this is the source of his adamant whining when he wants something, he has learned that he has to nag me until I snap out of my space and listen.

So I may have learned something just from deducing this on (virtual) paper. The lesson learned is I need to bring my perspective down to his size. I need to constantly be vigilant about how he sees my actions, what he will take away from it, how it can be calculated with his limited brain power at the moment. He knows only so much right now, and he will try to make sense of it all with the logic that a five year old has. Not mommy logic. Kiddeh logic.

Found - a beautiful sunset.

Taken with my Palm Pre in February 2011.

One other person in this universe has this same exact picture.

Thankful for Legs and Knees

Day in and day out I remind myself that there are others less fortunate than I am. So I will start to write every day what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for having legs. Nice, tan ones at that. Runners legs, legs that have good muscle to fat ratio. Kneecaps that are small and will probably weather aging well. A slight crick in my left knee due to not covering up properly right after giving birth to my first son. A few bug bites that are remnant from a very wonderful trip to Mexico early in 2011 with my firstborn that was a complete surprise. Small ankles, that lead to feet that are a size 6.5. A footbed that is supportive, with a sturdy arch. Toe nails that I like to paint the latest shade of orange (2010 was a metallic neon orange, 2011 is muted neon Orange). A weirdly longer fourth toe on both feet that was part of the first bonding moment when my son was born - one look at his similarly bent and longer fourth toe solidified in my heart the newfound deep satisfaction of giving birth to this being that I created and is genetically similar to me.

Moving up, I am thankful for my legs that support the cradle of responsibility that is the definition of a woman. My legs support a wonderfully voluptuous gluteous maximus. My legs support the cup of life that has borne me one beautiful baby boy, that has driven me mad sometimes, that, like clockwork, reminds me the depths of emotion that we women experience, 12 times a year.

I am thankful.

Love letters

You've asked for space before and I don't know how to give it. I wasn't very good at it before. I realize that it was probably because I don't know what "giving space" to someone really means, and I also didn't look for another outlet to channel the energy normally channeled to you.

So that's where this blog and these posts as of late come in. I will be channeling my thought powers in written format, so that when you are healed, I will have recorded the history of my thoughts of you somewhere for you to read. I have tagged every post related to this time period as "Bananas" as an easy index. This is my labor of love, for you to know that you've been in my thoughts, and dreams, and the things that pass through my day that remind me of you are written here.

It is my hope that when you read these posts, you realize that I honestly thought about you probably the entire day in and out of it, and would have probably texted you or called you had we been under normal circumstances. Given the current circumstance, and your request that you just don't want to communicate, I dropped it. However, it is not my intention to alienate you or ignore you. I simply want to give you the proper healing space that you need. Like I said to you before, I only care that you are surrounded by people who love you and care for you, and I care that you get better quickly so you can have your life and children back. I do not want to stand in the way. Rather, my intentions are to make you stronger in ways that I can accomplish. And I thought visiting you and having a physical presence with you was going to achieve that, but alas, you have a slightly differing thought process, which I do disagree with (I am unfairly biased) again, whatever it takes honey.

Just get better.

Then read these and know that I've loved you all this time too, perhaps coming out of it with a strong sense of self to boot.

I'll take this time to build me up again. I've been focusing on us and you too much, and have lost sight of things that made me ME before. I pulled out my Pre to build a context of what ME was when we met, and I am pleased with how much we expressed to one another that we are talking no matter what is going on around us. I'm putting some plans in motion that I've been putting on hold for a while til things changed. Well I'll be the change. I'll make the change. It's time to reconsider.

Well I'm pooped. This is day 3 of fitful sleeping. I might be suffering sympathy pains!

I love you. So deeply. So real.

Me

Overcome

I have been wrong before. I can't promise I won't be wrong again. Can you love me past the painful memories of words that I want to take back? Overcome the damage...
Because I am overcome with desire to hold your face in my hands, like holding the world's most precious metal, and look deep into your clear brown eyes, and show you as much of my known soul as I can. I am overcome with emotion, with happy memories of wandering through crowded places with our fingers entwined, with love and endearment for your precious life.
How can it happen that we find each other...how is it that our universes collided...how have we overcome challenges that have been numerous...
However temporary, I am overcome with grief over the possibility that your life has changed because of this in some bad way. It may be this way. It may not. Whatever pain resides in your heart after the physical pain has subsided, you can share with me. Above all else I am your best friend and the shoulder you can cry upon, no question about it. You can lean on me anytime of the day and night. I mean it. Like I've said before you can count on me. I mean it.

Overcome with things and stuff,
Me

Things that fit

I am feeling awfully salacious today. Admittedly it is of my own doing, I've been having late night trysts with a certain mobile friendly sexytime website. I can't wait until I run my fingers through your hair again.
Until then, I'll eat lots of bananas...
Me

I'll Be.

Since the beginning of time in my head, I've liked this song. The first time I heard it must have been on the radio. The beginning strums of guitar just drew me in, and back then (as I am now) I'm a hopeless romantic. The words to this song always applied to an amorphous future being that I knew I would fall helplessly in love with, and in my teenage wisdom, I wished for there to be someone in the future where I would feel this for. I'm really really blessed to finally have him in my life.

"I'll be your crying shoulder, I'll be love's suicide. I'll be better when I'm older, I'll be the greatest fan of your life."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DacrpKkrYs

Every word honey, at some point in time, has crossed my mind with you. For some I apologize, and for some I thank you.

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.

I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You're my survival, you're my living proof.
My love is alive -- not dead.
Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

And I've dropped out, I've burned up, I've fought my way back from the dead.
I've tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said

I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your...
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

The greatest fan of your life.
...greatest fan of your life.


Bananas,
Me

Thinking of You.

I sit here thinking of the love of my life. He is in a lot of pain. I have promised that he will get however much space and time he needs through this time of healing. I felt that I couldn't really stop the flow of emotions and words that come out every day that normally were meant for him. So I searched for another outlet, read an old Gchat of ours, and here I am revisiting my old stomping grounds.

 I have such a deeply rooted belief that we had a beautiful beginning of our relationship. Things were easy and fun. I developed such a close and deep love for this man that I now draw upon that well of love for when I'm not able to physically feel the closeness that I long for.

Time will tell. Time will heal. Seasons ebb and flow, and my love will stay strong.

Bananas,
Me

Memory Lane

I went through my FB account today to conjure up some baby pictures of Adam that I had hidden somewhere. When I look at these photos I am brought back to a time in my life where I was most certainly happy, but happy with the fewer things I had in my life. I didn't have many ambitions or false hopes that my life was going to get a lot better but I was okay with that. And his baby smiles and cheeks and fat helped pad what should have been a terrible existence into an infinitely better one.

Last night I had dinner with a great college roommate of mine. During dinner we shared stories and had us several serious conversations about the things that have happened to us in life. Some of the things that have happened to me in my life, or the things that I've made happen in my life, have been great, while others have been because there was no other way. And boy I like to remember some of the dark alleys I've been through because I remember what I used to chase after and I look at myself now and think of how differently things have turned out. And I'm thankful for the friends who have spoken their piece to me when I needed to hear it whether I liked it or not at the time these pieces of advice made the difference.

I am thankful for a lot this year. I'm thankful that I've completed my financial plan for 2009, I'm thankful to have friends who I've had the wonderful chance to reconnect with (thanks Facebook!) and thankful for my wonderful sister and mother, without whose love and compassion I would not be here. I'm thankful for a relatively peaceful year with my ex-spouse. I hope we continue to be amicable. Lastly I'm grateful and thankful for my beautiful baby boy. Without him I would still be traveling down those dark alleyways, which surely by now would have engulfed me in its shadows.

Enter to start sign, fail!

The text in the green sign hanging above escalators in the 50th street C subway is very cryptic. So cryptic I want to ride this dirt train.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Anthony Bourdain is signing MY book. Hell Yea!

Anthony Bourdain's going to be at the Wall Street Borders today signing copies of his new book Medium Raw, a Bloody Valentine to the world of food and people who cook.

OH yes and the only way to get him to sign a copy is to buy one of his books at Borders so that I did, and Kitchen Confidential too.

When I came into work this morning I was in a super funk and after coming out of Borders with two books in my hands, I'm out of my superfunk.

Hooray! Pics to come hopefully. There's already a line at Borders.

New York Cares Day - Gateway Park in Brooklyn

A couple of months ago me and my friend Ellen joined forces with the rest of the MRDC volunteer crew to clean up Gateway Park in brooklyn. It's been used as an illegal dumpsite for contractors and mechanics. hundreds of pounds of old tires, mattresses, ceiling tiles and other construction materials were removed as a result of our cleaning efforts!

The video below is a short ditty about the garbage and the landscape.

Youtube Video


It felt great to be socially responsible. I encourage all of you to get out there and volunteer. It's great for your soul!

Some Names you just don't put on a sign...

This image was taken in Hollywood, Florida. I don't care how many years and generations that your family's store has been open, at some point the ridicule of answering the phone using "Hello, Badcock" should get to you, no?

Lols @ Floridians.